时间:2025-04-02 09:48:50 来源:网络整理编辑:熱點
In a summer without blockbuster movies, you may be tempted to check out Artemis Fowl.It looks like t
In a summer without blockbuster movies, you may be tempted to check out Artemis Fowl.
It looks like the kind of splashy escapism you'd have caught in a theater in a more normal year — in fact, it wassupposed to be that, until the pandemic forced Disney to move it to Disney+. It's based on a series of books that people seem to like. It stars fine actors like Judi Dench and Colin Farrell, and was directed by the perfectly respectable Kenneth Branagh. All signs point to a nice night in.
But as Artemis Fowl himself comes to realize, not everything is as it seems. This movie has a dark secret. And that is that it's freaking terrible.
Artemis Fowldoes at least do potential viewers the kindness of tipping its hand early. The first hints of trouble arrive right away, as a dirtied-up Josh Gad starts spouting inane exposition about "the infinite possibilities of magic." Another indication comes right after that, in the form of an extremely phony-looking shot of Artemis surfing. The surfing is never mentioned again.
At this point, roughly five minutes into the film, you may realize you've made a mistake. Lean into that instinct.
Were you hoping Artemis would at least be a likable hero? He is, alas, a condescending little shit who informs his teacher that Albert Einstein is the only person he will deign to treat as an intellectual equal. In Artemis' defense, the teacher was reciting Artemis' own backstory to him for no reason, which would make anyone cranky. Unfortunately for Artemis (Ferdia Shaw), his is a world in which every conversation starts with "As you know..." or "Need I remind you..."
At this point, roughly five minutes into the film, you may realize you've made a mistake. Lean into that instinct. Feel absolutely free to turn this movie off. It never happened.
But if you choose to power through, you will discover along with Artemis Fowl that he lives in a universe where fairies are 1) real and 2) kinda pissed off, having been driven underground a thousand years ago by greedy humans. One of the fairies has apparently kidnapped Artemis' dad, also named Artemis Fowl (Farrell), and the ransom is a MacGuffin called, always in hushed, reverent tones, The Aculos.
You will learn that Gad is playing a giant dwarf — so, an average-sized human — named Mulch Diggums, who can tunnel through earth at high speeds by eating giant gulping mouthfuls of dirt and shooting it out of his ass. You will not learn why he is talking in that weird gravely voice, but you will start to strongly suspect that the reason he's doing so muchtalking is because someone decided in post-production to turn the movie they already shot into a totally different movie, and they needed someone to do the heavy lifting of reading all the exposition that was left on the cutting room floor.
Diggums will talk 'til he's blue in the face, and it will not make a difference. Artemis Fowlis a 95-minute movie that takes at least two hours to watch properly, because trying to make even basic sense of the plot means skipping back several times to see if you missed an important plot point while your attention was drifting off. You didn't. It was just never explained.
Or maybe it was explained, several times even, but it came out as such incoherent hogwash that you couldn't make heads or tails of it. Such is the case with the concept of "time freeze," a fairy trick deployed twice in the movie to two radically different effects. The second time, it doesn't seem to have any discernible impact, but all the characters shout about it extra loud so you'll think it's important.
By the third act, you might wonder whether the character who declares that "the rules are clear" is just saying that to fuck with you. Or what possessed Dench and Farrell to sign up for this movie. How it is possible for a movie to look both way too expensive and way too cheap at the same time. How bad was Artemis Fowlbefore someone made the decision to hack it to death in editing? Mediocre at best, surely — but could it really have been worsethan what it ended up being?
Probably, though, the question that will come up most is how much of the movie is left, and the answer will always be more than you think. When you finally do reach the end, you'll realize that everything you just saw was to set you up for a sequel. A sequel! As if anyone could want a thing after what you just went through.
And, look, if this is the journey you want to go on, I can't stop you. It's your life, and your Disney+ subscription. Both of us have better things to do than argue with what I think you should do with it.
But if you're merely considering the option, if you're wondering how awful it could really be, if it might fit into the category of so-bad-it's-good, if it might still pass muster with less discerning members of you're household, I'm here to warn you. Take it from me, a person who's watched Artemis Fowl: Artemis Fowlis a criminal waste of time.
Artemis Fowl is now streaming on Disney+.
TopicsDisney+
You can now play 'Solitaire' and 'Tic2025-04-02 09:46
時尚速報 I 梅西和C羅同框出鏡LV最新廣告大片;Tom Ford身價超20億美元;LV成法國最具價值品牌;(梅西和c羅同框)2025-04-02 09:20
【波盈足球】 足球C羅蜜月期結束?沙烏地球迷跳腳 :白花兩億歐元 ( 球迷,納斯 )2025-04-02 09:01
國羽轉戰印尼大師賽,首日僅1對混雙新人出局,女雙新組合開門紅2025-04-02 08:54
This chart shows just how high Simone Biles can jump2025-04-02 08:41
2023年馬來西來羽毛球公開賽2025-04-02 08:04
終結6連敗 !殘陣太陽擊敗勇士 ,克萊29+5 ,庫裏複出空砍24分(2016年勇士對雷霆庫裏超遠三分)2025-04-02 08:04
詹姆斯絕殺被犯規 !就在裁判眼皮底下 !這麽明顯都不吹 ?(詹姆斯扣籃撞到球迷身上)2025-04-02 07:43
We asked linguists if Donald Trump speaks like that on purpose2025-04-02 07:30
梅西C羅再同框 ,“可能是他們最後一次對決”(梅西c羅合影壁紙)2025-04-02 07:12
Daughter gives her 1002025-04-02 09:39
2023年印尼羽毛球大師賽開賽2025-04-02 09:31
英超第21輪點評:阿森納一支獨秀 ,哈蘭德戴帽,保級隊伍大混戰2025-04-02 09:29
C羅梅西“同框”了 網友點讚 :賽場C羅被嚇出表情包快收藏(梅西c羅同框手機壁紙)2025-04-02 08:41
Aly Raisman catches Simone Biles napping on a plane like a champion2025-04-02 08:34
C羅梅西“同框”了 網友點讚 :賽場C羅被嚇出表情包快收藏(梅西c羅同框手機壁紙)2025-04-02 08:17
科普:湖人遭遇明顯誤判 ,為何不能回看錄像?(詹姆斯技術犯規)2025-04-02 08:09
2023印度羽毛球公開賽總結:東西是真好吃、肚子是真難受2025-04-02 07:31
We asked linguists if Donald Trump speaks like that on purpose2025-04-02 07:12
梅西C羅史詩級同框合照,竟然是P的?(梅西c羅同框高清照片壁紙)2025-04-02 07:05