时间:2025-04-04 05:09:51 来源:网络整理编辑:綜合
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt star Tituss Burgess just released a red wine calledPinot By Tituss. Since
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt star Tituss Burgess just released a red wine called Pinot By Tituss. Since I had written about the pinot noir before, I scored an invite to its launch party. Little did Tituss's PR people know that I am not nearly cool enough for a launch party.
In my mid-20s, I've become more like a woman in her mid-70s. I spend most nights in bed watching reruns of Modern Family and petting my faux fur throw blanket, because I can't take responsibility for an actual pet.
But this night, April 5, would be different. I was going to a launch party -- and dammit, I was going to stay awake the whole time.
The night called for a red carpet, wine tasting and drag show. I called for a big serving of noodles to prepare myself for a night of drinking and a coffee to keep me alert.
I could do this, though. For Tituss.
I invited my friend Bill, as I knew he could help me describe the wine's taste without it being clouded by my unrefined palate. I also had Mashable photographer Tyler join in on the fun, since I'd need pictures both for this article and for my Tinder profile.
My first thought upon entering the party -- held at The Box in New York City -- was that I was severely underdressed. Everyone around us was in shiny pants and heels. And yes, that includes the men.
The bar was an obvious first stop -- and the Pinot by Tituss was flowing. Bill and Tyler grabbed wine while I drank a free vodka soda, mainly because it's the hard liquor version of rosé -- the wine of basic bitches, otherwise known as my people.
Upon tasting the pinot, Bill had a few thoughts.
"It's so sweet, like a dessert wine," he said. "It has strong athletic legs wrapped in lacy gauze. Plus, it's the color of a cherry Jolly Rancher."
I was worried my confidant Bill may be drunk already.
As we sipped our drinks, I felt like I was the needle in a haystack of super cool people. At one point, I lost my crew and got stuck behind a large drag queen.
When I thought it over, though, that seemed like an okay way to die.
Tyler, Bill and I were then ushered to the 'red carpet' -- a.k.a. a living room carpet placed in front of a Tituss-themed backdrop -- to get photos of the event's celebrity guests.
Finally, the king himself arrived.
Tituss was here.
Moments after his photoshoot, Tituss's publicist approached me and asked if I'd like to to talk to him.
And then he was in front of me, looking dashing in his sparkly blazer.
He told me that the pinot was inspired by his Kimmy Schmidt song, but that it came to fruition thanks to his fans. He was clearly excited about his product -- so excited in fact, that he gave me a big hug. Me!
Other celebrities came and went on the makeshift red carpet, including several actresses from Orange is the New Black and reality star -- and brother to Ariana -- Frankie Grande. There were also faces I didn't recognize, but I could tell they were famous because of how good they smelled.
At one point, Frankie walked passed me and said, "This is quite the ordeal!"
I don't think he was referring to my nails. (I had chewed off half my manicure.) But I made sure to hide the evidence of my destroyed polish anyway.
One attendee wore a v-neck tee that showed most of his chest. I couldn't help but think it'd be great for breastfeeding.
Later, Tituss's boyfriend Pablo approached me and introduced himself. He asked if I'd tried the wine yet.
"Of course!" I lied.
I'm sorry for my sins. Please forgive me.
As Tituss hit the stage to thank everyone for attending and to introduce the drag show, I couldn't help but wonder how many denim-clad penises had rubbed against me in the tight crowd thus far.
I also couldn't stop thinking about my full bladder, and I was yawning incessantly.
It was only 10:48 p.m.
Tituss exclaimed that one of his female reps has "a bigger penis than anyone I've ever f*cked," then shouted, "I'm gonna black out!" It was actually charming. The guy is seriously adorable; I'd bring him home to my mom if he'd let me. The only disappointing thing about his appearance: He didn't actually sing "Peeno Noir."
After he exited the stage, a drag queen with a Calvin and Hobbestattoo danced to Cher and I danced my way back to the bar for one more drink.
It was free. I couldn't help myself.
Then the night came to a close, and so did the bar.
While Pinot by Tituss is sweet, as is its namesake, the victory of surviving a weeknight event is even sweeter. I gained confidence throughout the evening, boosting my overall self esteem both as a member of the press and as a human being.
Plus, nothing has ever been more of a relief than finally relieving myself once I got home.
If I learned anything, it's that my unbreakable bladder is strong as hell.
Have something to add to this story? Share it in the comments.
TopicsNew York City
Tributes flow after death of former Singapore president S.R. Nathan2025-04-04 05:06
國腳糟糕體能為聯賽“還債” 完敗為過熱國足降溫2025-04-04 04:54
日名宿 :要是下場再輸中國 日本足協就別過百年紀念了2025-04-04 04:39
歐冠32強大名單一覽 :梅西領巴黎衝鋒 C羅入魔征戰2025-04-04 04:17
5 people Tim Cook calls for advice on running the biggest company in the world2025-04-04 04:16
大肚腩 ?內馬爾:因為球衣太大 下一場我會穿中碼2025-04-04 03:28
國足中場休息連換2人:王剛換下於大寶 蒿俊閔替張稀哲2025-04-04 03:02
凱恩轉會風波後重回正軌 連續13場預選賽為三獅建功2025-04-04 03:01
One of the most controversial power struggles in media comes to a close2025-04-04 02:48
澎湃:國足麵對亞洲強隊一觸即潰 談出線不實際2025-04-04 02:31
You will love/hate Cards Against Humanity's new fortune cookies2025-04-04 04:51
梅西已抵達巴西備戰南美德比 小腿走路仍受影響2025-04-04 04:42
國足領隊 :賽後隊員並沒有垂頭喪氣 已對日本隊有詳盡研究2025-04-04 04:41
意大利35場不敗追平紀錄 歐洲杯後無緣世預賽連勝2025-04-04 04:36
Tyler, the Creator helped Frank Ocean celebrate 'Blonde' release in a delicious way2025-04-04 04:25
官方:桑喬因傷已返回曼聯 將缺席剩餘兩場世預賽2025-04-04 03:27
歐冠完整賽程:小組首輪巴薩戰拜仁 5月28日收官2025-04-04 03:18
熱議國足12強賽首戰落敗:歸化球員成擺設 攻防都不行2025-04-04 03:16
PlayStation Now game streaming is coming to PC2025-04-04 02:44
荷蘭VS黑山首發 :德佩德利赫特先發 範迪克替補2025-04-04 02:30