This year, perhaps more than any other, American corporations want the LGBTQ community to know that they're their friends. Their best friends, really.

The only thing they ask for in return is our undying brand loyalty.

2018 was a particularly grating year for corporations who like to demonstrate their commitment to the queer community with rainbow shot glasses and flashy donations to LGBTQ nonprofits. Week after week, my inbox has been flooded with PR pitches to check out the latest gay vodka or discounted queer doughnuts (because gay people have been discriminated against in the...doughnut-sphere?)

Oookay. As much as I like to see the queer community celebrated, it's time to face the truth: the rainbow pride merch-industrial complex has spiraled beyond our control.

SEE ALSO:Hollywood hasn't gotten any better about LGBTQ inclusivity onscreen

Visibility matters -- and so do the proceeds from the sale of someof these items, a percentage of which were donated to LGBTQIA+ nonprofits. All of that is genuinely wonderful. We just need to set artistic limits before it's too late.

The queer community and its allies are at grave risk of becoming permanently corny. Below is a list of pride merch that took it a step too far:

1. LGBTQ SoulCycle fanny packs

Pride packs are back! This month, whether you’re LGBTQ or an ally, saddle up for a good cause. 5% of all proceeds from 10-pack sales go to support @trevorproject and LGBTQ youth in crisis.* 🌈 Tap the link in our bio to buy a pack. #pride #AllSoulsWelcome . . . *Up to $50,000. SoulCycle expects to reach $50,000 by June 15, 2018.

A post shared by SoulCycle (@soulcycle) on Jun 3, 2018 at 1:43pm PDT

The company's Pride month collection also included sports bras and bandanas, for those of us searching for queer and trans representation in the...SoulCycle sphere.

2. LGBTQ cryptocurrency

LGBTQ crypto targets that explosively large market of socialist lesbian separatists who love bitcoin.

3. Queer-affirming seltzer

No seltzer, no peace! No seltzer, no peace!Credit: sodastream

I didn't think it was possible for seltzer to get gayer than it already is, and yet here we are, thanks to Sodastream.

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4. Alexander Wang queer condoms

Alexander Wang and Trojan Condoms today unveil a limited-edition “Protect Your Wang” capsule collection as a continuation of the brands’ commitment to supporting the LGBTQ community and celebrating Pride. The capsule and condom is now available in the link in our bio and at our SoHo, New York flagship and a portion of the proceeds will be donated to the LGBT Center of New York to support the organization’s sexual health programs. To celebrate #ProtectYourWang, we invite you to join us at #NYCPride2018 where we will be part of the march in a custom-made Alexander Wang x Trojan Condoms float.

A post shared by ALEXANDER WANG (@alexanderwangny) on Jun 18, 2018 at 10:19am PDT

It's hard to resist the pull of "Protect Your Wang" wordplay. But I'm just not sure if couture condoms is what the queer community, or anyone, needs right now.

5. Queer ice cream bars

The queer community demands earth tone popsiclesCredit: magnum

Pride is a already hard month for those of us in the gay Earth tones community, who prefer a softer palette. How dare Magnum do this to our cherished brown ice cream bars?

6. Lesbian sports bras

Offered via Primark, a company that manufactures some of its clothing (allegedly including some of this line) in Myanmar, a country where a person can be imprisoned for being gay.

7. Gay Mickey Mouse ears

Embrace your inner Disney gayCredit: store.disney.com

Gay Days at Walt Disney World Resort in Florida have been a thing for a while now, as have elaborate queer Disney Tumblr fantasies. I'm glad Disney decided to celebrate its queer fans, but I'm not about to sacrifice my hard-earned goth cred by busting out a pair of these.

8. LGBTQIA+ pancakes

Queer-friendly pancakes were on the menu this month at Pyramid Café at the Luxor Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. As someone who struggled with heteronormative pancakes growing up, this is a welcome development.

9. Gay Bundt cake

With Justice Anthony Kennedy's retirement from the U.S. Supreme Court, the queer community stands to lose everything its ever fought for. Don't despair, my friends! We'll always have this queer Bundt cake, available now at the Backstage Deli, also at the Luxor Hotel & Casino.

10. Queer, ugh, salad

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of heteronormative salads.Credit: just salad

Queer people are sick and tired of being discriminated against by the repressive salad community. Thanks to the people at Just Salad, those days are over, thanks to its "Big Gay Garden Salad."

11. Sam Adams rainbow pride beer

Sam Adams, the unofficial fancy beer of planes, introduced the limited edition beverage at its Boston shop. Meanwhile, the piss beer community has been notoriously silent about LGBTQ community.

12. Queer-affirming bagels

Happy Pride weekend! Be sure to stop in for a rainbow treat on your way to the parade on Sunday! 🌈 #spielmanbagels #pridenw #rainbowbagel

A post shared by Spielman Bagels & Coffee (@spielmanbagels) on Jun 15, 2018 at 11:12am PDT

Spielman Bagels in Oregon offer these speciality treats, which are kettle-boiled and vegan and LGBTQIA+ affirming. For what it's worth, "boiled vegan queer" sounds like a lot of people I dated in my twenties, and they weren't all bad.

13. LGBTQ-affirming narwhal pool float

He's single and ready to mingleCredit: target

I had a terrible experience with a homophobic narwhal pool float in high school. Thanks to Target's latest gay-friendly float, I've finally found a place to rest my ass without judgment.

Who knows what will happen to the queer community in the next few years. No matter what happens, though, we'll always have gay Bundt cakes and queer pool floats on our sides. Rejoice.

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